MEMPHIS, Tenn. — In the months since designer Kate Spade and celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain took their own lives, suicide and mental health have been at the forefront of conversation.
One million people die from suicide every year, according to the World Health Organization, and those numbers are rising.
The sad reality is that by the time you’re finished reading this story, seven people will have died in a suicide.
But for every story of loss, there are even more stories of hope. And if you’ve ever considered taking your own life, one Mid-South man is here to tell you, it gets better.
Life for 35-year-old Josh Eldred is good now. He’s been married for 11 years and is a proud father of 10.
But what you probably wouldn’t guess by looking at him is that he tried to take his own life twice — and survived.
“I was really sad and lonely, and I couldn’t come up with a reason to want to be here anymore, because if this was as good as life was going to get then I didn’t want it. I didn’t even want to try,” Eldred said.
His depression began around the age of 12 after years of physical abuse at home.
“I would smile a lot, I would tell everybody that I was fine, but I really wasn’t,” he said. “Just a lot of feelings of worthlessness, uselessness.”
As a teen, those feelings intensified.
“I hated the world,” Eldred said. “I hated everything in the world, including myself.”
To his friends and family, his pain was obvious. But no one seemed to know how to help, and Eldred struggled with explaining the internal battle he was facing every day.
“A lot of times in depression, we don’t know what’s going on,” he said. “So, when someone is like, ‘Hey, I’m worried about you. What’s wrong? What’s going on?’ We can’t just single out one factor of our life because a lot of our depression is a series of events, and they’re all linked to each other.”
At 19, Eldred set out to end it for good, making the decision to kill himself.
“The world really fell away. I felt really alone, I felt really sad,” he said.
His attempt was thwarted when his roommate found him clinging to life in his bedroom and rushed him to the hospital.
Doctors said Eldred actually died on the emergency room table that day, flat-lining before being brought back to life.
Just two years later, he would attempt suicide again.
“It went from, ‘I feel like I’m feeling OK,’ to, ‘I’m bad. I’m not doing OK. I’m not doing OK at all,'” Eldred said. “It’s kind of like being tossed into the ocean. Waves are rolling around, you have about half a second to breath before you get drug back under.”
The depression wasn’t going away, and Eldred finally realized it never would unless something changed.
He started working as a live-in care provider for elderly people with disabilities. That lead to a job working with troubled kids — kids who struggled with some of the same issues he had his entire life.
“I felt like my life had a purpose at this point,” Eldred said. “I’m caring for people. These people need me, and I needed them, because without them, I didn’t feel like I was anything.”
Those experiences brought Eldred to Turning Point, a recovery center in Southaven, Mississippi, for adults battling behavioral disorders and alcohol and drug addictions where he now works as a recovery coach.
It’s a job that to him doesn’t really feel like work because he gets to use his experience to help others.
“I want to make sure other people are OK, because I wasn’t,” Eldred said. “And I want to make sure that those people have somebody to talk to.”
His depression hasn’t gone away completely — those feelings still show up from time to time.
“My depression, as an analogy, is on a little box in my mind, on the shelf, collecting dust,” Eldred said. “But there are times where life goes out of whack, and I still get a glimpse of those feelings. I want to make sure that that box never opens again, and that those feelings and emotions don’t overtake me ever again.”
But the thoughts of suicide are gone, and he wants other people grappling with similar feelings to know there is hope.
“You can change it, you can make it better, but you have to want to make it better,” Eldred said. “You have to let go of some things. You have to learn to change your mindset, because there’s just as much good in this world as there is bad. And if you’re always looking for the bad, you’re always going to find the bad, it’s not hard to do. I’ve been there, I’ve been through the emotions, I’ve come out on the other side.”
Keep in mind, someone who is suicidal may not want to reach out for help. If you think a loved one is going through a tough time, reach out and offer support.
And if you’re struggling with thoughts of suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1 (800) 273-8255. Someone is available to talk 24 hours a day, every day.
